| Its been so long since i've wrote but here i go. |
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| 08:16pm 25/12/2006 |
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mood:  thoughtful
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well life has been pretty weird lately. a lot has happened and life has really taken a turn. well first off my siss just left for the navy and shes been on my mind like crazy. i just really miss her and i can't wait till i see her again. im just so proud of her. the sucky thing about the whole situation is that i may not see her when she graduates from boot camp cuz ill be going through mine. im going to do my best to make it though. i'm quiting my job soon and getting ready for my month of no work. so far i have a trip to vegas and orange county planned. others are a tba. so far though my going away present is going to be a party bus. ten hour of escorting and drinking. it should be a blast. lately, i haven't had much of a single/social life. i've really been stand offish. I haven't drank in a month. been doing a lot of weight lifting. a lot of it. its the only thing that really keeps my mind off of jenn. it puts me in my own world and makes everything better but ive been lifting with this huge college football player. he's really been keeping me in line. its cool cuz ive seriously never been bigger and never have felt better. i'm like 180 now pure muscle and excelling. my goal is to be 200 pounds by the end of january and i know i can do it. so im proud of myself. i've really been trying to clean myself up though. so far it feels pretty good. i've been doing a lot of reading and learning music theory. i just have such a goal to excel in music and i know i can do it. i'm so determined to excel in life. thats why i joined the navy and i'm going to do the best i can. i really want to make me and my family proud. well i made up with jon holliman and its really cool to see him and talk to him, it really took a lot off of my shoulders. thats been over my head for a while its just really a bummer that im leaving soon. i'm just glad to see that he's cleaned up you can really tell the difference. OH i have a band started!! its turning out so good, very original and very mellow. im loving it we are doing so well. we sound a lot like tool and pelican, all instrumental. its just nice cuz i can finally grab my guitar and throw it on canvas. cory todd is playing bass for us now and its really spiced it up. tim is driving me nuts, nobody really likes him no more and i feel too bad to tell him. he lies to everyone so what does he expect, everyone can tell when he lies. no one likes a lier. so cuz of that hes hanging all over me. i love him to death but i can't stand the lying anymore. it really gets old quick. im honest i expect the same. D though i love living with him, he is very respectful. the only thing is hes at a hard part of his life for making money. i understand though, ive been there, ive been in thoughs shoes. so i let it go. i'll miss him when i go, we've built a great relationship. its just too funny how you meet people. thats my life pretty much as of right now. the only thing that has been bothering me is jenn. i seriously think of her everyday. i can't get her out of my head. i thought it would just go away in time but i hasn't and i don't think it ever will. she is just such a part of me and i really can't stand to see her go downhill. i guess i just feel like its my fault like i wasn't there for her when she needed me. she was always there for me and i didn't return the favor. i don't know anymore though cuz shes just not the same girl anymore and i miss her so bad. its seriously killing me. shes just been a part of my life so long that its hard not to have her by my side anymore. i've tried with other girl but there is just nothing there. to be honest, they're all so stupid to the tenth power. i can't stand it. i just want to apolagize to her but i'm sure shes really doesn't care. thats what hurts me the most. this whole situation is really just fucked up. i really don't know what to do, the only think i've came up with was isolation. i can only really say is that i know what love is now. |
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| 04:17am 17/09/2006 |
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wow, its been forever since ive written. i don't have to much to say. i love beer. i drink everyday. im still with the love of my life. i have to leave her though in five months. it sucks, but i hope its for the best. if we dont marry i hope someone treats her better than i do. im nervious about the navy but excited at the same time. i need something new, im tired of the same old thing. wake up, go to work, come home, shower sleep. go out here and there. it gets bluh at times. im tired of struggling. i just don't want to worry anymore. im tired and drunk. im out.
oh yeah, my status. i live on mill now. party alot. built a awesome network in my apartment complex. live with tim barber. in love with jenn kaiser. five months tll i leave for good. drink everyday. i teach guitar. im learning guitar, i work for chandler schools. kids are the devil. i drive a cruiser, thats just funny. also, winter is finally here. hip hip horay! |
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| 12:57am 27/05/2006 |
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as of yesterday, the navy officially owns me. |
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| 05:03pm 20/03/2006 |
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I DO NOT WORK FOR THE SCHOOLS AS OF TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YEAH, AND FUCK CARLOS!!!! |
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| 12:16am 01/03/2006 |
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this weekend was the shit.
im sick. that can't be good.
cody is back from bootcamp. fuck yeah. |
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| 01:10am 08/02/2006 |
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music: converge, disintergration
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im gaining weight. its crazy. im getting bigger than shit. its pretty awesome.
did my first real tattoo on my buddy savage last superbowl sunday. that was the funnest thing ever.
im learning math all over again. yeah!!!! |
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| FUCK MESA POLICE. BURN EVERY POLICE STATION DOWN THAT YOU SEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| 12:35am 04/02/2006 |
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mood:  I WANT TO CURB CHECK A COP music: DILLINGER ESCAPE PLAN, WHEN GOOD DOGS DO BAD THINGS.
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i got a ticket for flowing with traffic. i was going to the same speed as everyone else on the freeway and he pulls me over cuz i was the only one on a motorcycle. i HATE MESA POLICE. they can suck the fattest cock on earth. they do nothing good at all for this community. petty cock sucker. i fucking hate them. |
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| well i drink too much and don't believe in much of anything |
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| 11:54pm 27/01/2006 |
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mood:  drunk music: between the buried and me, camilla rhodes
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well, life is shit for me and everyone else on this earth. the world is going to shit. everything is going to shit everyday. dragging me with it. every generation will get it worse and worse and worse. it sucks. i feel sorry for the kids i will have and even worse for the kids they will have.
im sorry i had to get that out of my system. well, im going to update my life as of right now. i live in a house with three other people. my sister and two friends. im not enjoying it. ive came to the conclusion that im better off on my own. i knew this a long time ago. i just thought i would test it out a bit. its not working out so well. so i think im going to search for something better.
im with my ex from way back in the day. loving every minute of it. never thought i would, but man she has changed for the better and i enjoy it. i see things going very well for quite some time. we mesh like no other. its very strange. it boggles me. for the fact that four years ago she was the most beautiful thing i saw in ages and she still is.
i have grown a love to beer. i love it. its sad. it kinda concerns me. its a habit that ive grown to love. so i don't know what to do about it.
ive been taking guitar lessons. I LOVE IT. I CAN READ NOTATION!!!! its awesome. im actually thinking about getting my degree in music.
oh yeah, i officially hate my job. fuck my job. i love it but i hate my boss. he makes it the worst job on earth. on the other hand its provoking me to get a better job, go to school. so im guessing it has a purpose. you know.
my best friend just left for tour. im bummed. not cool. i don't have many friends anymore. come to find out they are all back stabbers or they all join the military. come to find out thats life. nothing but goodbyes. life.
i have grown the urge to read. i love it. who would have thought.
i hate people, just a fyi. they disgust me. i just hate them. either its where i live or all over the world. im not sure but here i hate them all. fuck them. two out of five people are worth having a descent convesation with. one out of fifty are worth befriending safely. its disgusting.
burn homes, its fun.
fuck the court system, it rapes the economy.
work promotes drinking, ive come to find this out in years. if it wasn't for work i dont think i would do any drugs.
i want to shroom like no other. that sounds like fun.
sex keeps me alive. the honest truth.
its my brothers fourteenth birthday today and im getting writtin up for coming to celebrate it today. fuck life.
i love you all. |
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| 03:26am 22/12/2005 |
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i know i haven't updated in a while. i just don't have the time any more. i have work, and alot of guitar lessons. very time consuming. i just want to say im in love and it is sickening. i love this woman and i always have. i don't know why, it confuses me. this is the woman for me. she cares for me and when im in need i know she will be there. she always has through thick and thin. im amazed. this makes me so happy. im working my hardest to make her christmas present the best. ive been working on it all night. ive even had help. i hope she likes it. im just in amazement right now that i found somebody that will make me happy for a very long time. fuck all you bitches out there that are fake and dont even know who you are. grow up or just finally kill yourselves. oh yeah, i just want to say, tim barber is my bestfriend, nobody have respected me like he has in ages. i give it to that guy. ill do anything for him. just ask. im there. love you tim. im going to bed. later bitches. |
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| 11:12am 02/12/2005 |
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court, so far so good. thats if the fat bitch sylvia wants to make my life hell. i hope not, but thats not how the bitch works. |
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| 12:43pm 26/10/2005 |
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well, i got arrested the other night. go joe. we'll see how this all turns out. so far its really shitty. |
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| what a weekend!!!!! i tell you what. |
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| 12:27am 18/10/2005 |
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beer and liquor has been my whole weekend. i have to stop for a while cuz my tolerance is to much, i can drink for ever and not get trashed. so i have to slow down.
this weekend, i can write for ever. its amazing. i have a new motorcycle. i bought a cruiser. its really different but its amazing. its a 1993 and it only has 3500 miles!!!! its pratically brand new. so that was a good find. im really enjoying it so far. its real chill.
well, i got home from registering my bike and getting insurance. drank some beer, then the whole gang left for the between the buried and me show. picked up a hot dog and mickeys, then headed for the brickhouse in downtown phoenix. turns out its closed, SO WHERE THE FUCK IS THE SHOW RIGHT??? WHO CAN KNOW??? well after talking to a bum on a mountain bike pull another bum in a cowboy hat sitting in the back of a radio flyer wagon we got a hold of a lady at the modified and left to hit up the new location: the clubhouse.
got to the clubhouse, the line was huge. so grady and i watched cephalic carnage from the door. then i left and got a six pack of hiene's. got in trouble for drinking at the door. got a burrito then finally made it just in time for BTBAM. fucking rocked out for about half a set, then some guy desided to sock my sister in the face, so she kneed him in the stomach and threw him into the crowd, so i saw the kid flipping her off. so i knocked him out in one hit, come to find out i knocked his tooth out, and then was thrown into to a choke hold by security. all buddies started brawling there friends. mac, tim, and kyle socked some dudes in the head. kristen kicked the dude in the face. it was chaotic.
so we got kicked out for fighting. so we all ended up driving to my place, where we got so much beer. then ended the night in a drunken hooka slumber.
saturday, woke up and drank the rest of the budweiser. went to village inn with my sissy. ate a damn good skillet. went to bealls and bought tim some presents in return of the great easy bake oven he bought me.
so we met tim and his girl at famous sams. tim opened up his presents in front of everyone in the bar to find out i bought him X9 large elderly womens panties. lol!!!!!! and some cowboy guns. the waitress's all started laughing there asses off. i then had a long island ice tea and a red death. yum. left and i picked up my woman, had some beers there, then went back to famous sams. cody, chris, and mac then showed up. we got them a round of beers. i drank pratically two pitchers of october fest to myself. we all then sang karokie. it was so fun. i sang audioslave. did horrible. still fun. tim sang dashboard. we both did pretty good. then we left to my place and partied. brandon, chris, and ginger came over. we all had a really good time.
woke up, elliot and i shot bb guns outside. then drove my babe home to get dressed. left to chilis, drank at the bar waiting for everyone to get there. they finally got there. we then ordered a shitload of food. mmmm. it was good. tim wasn't too happy cuz we were giving his girlfriends a tough time. we do that to all newbies though. went to the mall with the babe to pick up her costume. can not wait to see her in it!!!! ggggrrrrrrr. then we went to elliots and drank. had a really good time. drove home. its getting fucking cold outside!!!!! hit up walmart, came home and ended the weekend with amazing sex. good times. i love life!!!! |
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| 03:34am 01/10/2005 |
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life is confusing. i don't know why. im going to bed. im going to dream. thats the best thing on earth. dreaming. i dream all day. its sad. |
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| 10:21pm 27/09/2005 |
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my bike has been sold. $1000 bills. im sad about it. stoked to get a new one though. im in debate of a 2001 gxr 600 or 750. we'll see. |
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| 03:33am 22/09/2005 |
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all i got to say is, don't go through shit you had collected five years ago. it makes you very very very depressed. i miss jon, curtis and terry. i miss jenn, i miss my high school years. who ever is still friends with me from back then, i just want to say that i appreciate you. bye. |
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| 02:02pm 18/09/2005 |
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last night, was very very intresting. motorcycles and buzzing on beer is fun. just so you know. good times. saw tim, jackie and christina for the first time in ages. i had so much fun. today, im going to payson for the day. so bye bye everyone. |
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| 01:58pm 16/09/2005 |
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last night was a very intresting night. period. |
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| 08:36am 12/09/2005 |
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court. bluh, we'll see how this goes. hopefully the judge lets me go. |
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| 02:10am 12/09/2005 |
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a girl that im completely head over heals for told me something tonight, i loved it. she told me that her dad told her one time that the way a guy treats there mom will treat you the same way. i treat my mom like gold, so that made me happy. i would kill for my mom. my mom is the most important person in my life. aside from my family that is. i treat girls like gold and i would love to treat this girl like gold. i can't though. it kills me. her boyfriend spit in her face today, the most disrespectfull thing you can do to someone. i like the dude but i can treat her so much better. this is the first time ive felt like this in a long time. lame. |
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| 04:32am 10/09/2005 |
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i have grown a addiction to plain tuna fish. tuna is awesome. oh yeah, i just want to say my ex hates me for no reason. oh well. i have a date with a teacher this saturday night. this should be intresting. |
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| im upset. |
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| 06:20pm 05/09/2005 |
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mood:  NOT SURE? music: NEW FUCKING BETWEEN THE BURIED AND ME
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i love tim barber, hes the man. i give it up to him, whoever will use there whole check to come down for san diego to see his boys is awesome. now thats a friend. tons of respect for him. camping was a blast. alot of drinking, rain, paint ballin', cooking over a fire, video taping tim shitting, running around naked, talking to hot college chics, being ninjas in the forest, drink a jug of wine, talking nonsense, looking for disappearing friends, and good talks. good times. loved it. three days of no showering sucks though. cool at the same time. tim got played hardcore by kristen. im so fucking pissed about that. i wish it didn't happen to him. he didn't deserve that.
i love converge. i tribute this to a few hoes.
In Her Shadow
she is at the end chasing her own fading light
running from her shadow in the name of living
searched for worth in the lust of men
paid in blood in different beds
mistaking sex for true love
they never meant a thing
her addiction brought her a world
of coward boys and of cheater girls
looking for an easy way out of being ordinary
so she boarded their sinking ship
and crossed their red needle sea
drowning truth to live her lie
that she was ordinary
in her fading shadow |
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| 11:24pm 01/09/2005 |
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migraines suck ass. |
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| im in love |
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| 11:21pm 28/08/2005 |
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You Fail Me
you fail me with every fatal crush
you fail me with every abandoned love
you fail me with your inferno fuck me eyes
that burn as fuel for my city and its neon lights
burn bright white line fever take them all
you fail me with your new dead end dream
you fail me with your pill box fantasy
you fail me as love's greatest war
that was never worth
you were never worth fighting for
dying living dying living dying everyday
living dying living dying living everyday
you think you are a poet
in your eyes you are a star
who lives through a fantasy of rising above
you think you're a victim
but you live as a drunk
that has never sacrificed that has never loved
you think you are tragic but i know you are lost
you have walked the fault lines
and you have crossed them all
this world doesn't fight you, you fight yourself
thinking we fail you you fail yourself |
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| 10:47pm 28/08/2005 |
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so im in love with this girl right now, shes with her boy toy. im pissed. im seriously in love with tthis girl. what the fuck. im drunk. im twenty one in a bit. all i want is this girl. fuck. what should i do. i want to write a song. too long though. hhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmm. i don't know. |
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| shit monkey ass fuck. |
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| 02:17pm 28/08/2005 |
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blah. im twenty one tomorrow. fuck yeah. so i have a nice party going on tonight at my place. so its going to be thrilling. i would like to have it some where where there is a pool. pool party sounds good to me. you know. |
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| 01:13am 25/08/2005 |
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I HAVE DSL INTERNET!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| 05:52pm 17/08/2005 |
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new cell number 480 234 8024 |
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| 01:14am 08/08/2005 |
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music: TEAM SLEEP, YOUR SKULL IS RED.
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THE SINGLE LIFE IS GREAT. STRESS FREE. I TALKED TO GINNY THE OTHER DAY AND ALL SHE DID WAS BRING ME DOWN. I REALIZED THAT SHES VERY NEGATIVE. NO GOOD. SHE NEVER HAS REALLY ANYTHING GOOD TO SAY REGARDING ANYTHING.
IM TRYING TO STAY AS POSTIVE AS I CAN. I THINK IM DOING EXCELLENT. IM HAPPY FOR MYSELF. WELL I HAVE TO GO TO BED. I HAVE WORK IN A LITTLE BIT. LOVE TO ALL.
OH YEAH, IM GOING TO GET ONE OF MY PAINTING IN A GALLERY FOR A MAJOR ART TOUR. IM EXCITED. TELL YOU MORE WHEN I KNOW WHATS GOING ON.
I HAVE A MUSIC PROJECT GOING. CHECK IT OUT AT, http://www.myspace.com/closethedrapestonight
LATE. |
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killyourmadre's journal
boxed up
judge fucked me in the ass